Hard-Earned Lessons from a Retired Soccer Parent

As a parent, what are your hopes and dreams for your kid playing sports? It’s a simple question but, in my experience, one that yields a lot of deeply complex answers if moms and dads answer it honestly. My kids are in college now, meaning my role in their sporting lives has finally ended, but I still think about how those years went in my family—and about the way so many well-meaning parents complicate the formative years of their kids’ athletic journey.

When Your Ambition Gets Ahead of the Kids

When I contemplate this topic, my mind often loops back to this unforgettable night at a posh ski house when my younger son was in second grade. We had moved to an affluent beach community in Los Angeles, and my son immediately got involved in sports. He was (and remains) a good athlete and an outgoing kid, so before long he was thriving on various teams and cultivating new friends. Sports can be a great vehicle to make friends for life.

That first winter, the dad of one of his new buddies invited us on a big father-son weekend up at Mammoth Mountain. And on the first night, after the boys retired to the bunk-bed room for the night, the host dad broke out an expensive bottle of Scotch. As a journalist, I was most certainly not the typical dad sitting around the living room. Nearly everyone else was in private equity or a founder or a sales executive. These were type-A personalities who loved sports and always strived to win and were driven to help their kids succeed in sports.

For the next two hours, the conversation revolved around one thing—the athletic future of the boys sleeping downstairs.

For the next two hours, the conversation revolved around one thing—the athletic future of the boys sleeping downstairs. Everyone else’s kids were already playing multiple club sports—in second grade!—and showing great promise. So as they sipped whiskey, these dads debated what sport their sons would play in college and how to help them reach their potential. I had never been a part of such a conversation and was in some ways impressed by all their forethought.

That was almost 12 years ago. Those boys are now entering their sophomore year of college. My son is still friends or networked with all of them. Not one of them is playing intercollegiate sports. Some of them were good enough to be high school standouts while others walked away from sports before graduation. Most of them seemed a bit burnt out by the time they were 16.

What a Decade as a Soccer Dad Taught Me

If you’re curious, my own son played soccer for about a decade. He was good enough to be a consistent all-star in one of the nation’s top AYSO districts and played on a good mid-level club team in Los Angeles—which is a long-winded way of saying he was very good but aware of how many kids were better or more driven. During that period, I was a devoted soccer dad—spending years volunteering as an AYSO coach and ref, and even more years as a sideline fan. Before he entered high school, my son was already weary of intense soccer coaches and decided to switch to lacrosse. So for the next four years, I got to witness a different sports culture as more of an outsider, but I’d generally conclude that the dynamics that impacted the kids were similar.

I am guessing that many of the people reading this story have kids who are presently engaged in one of the earlier chapters of their sports journey. It’s an exciting time and I can’t overstate all the joy I experienced watching my son grow and thrive playing sports. He learned a lot about teamwork and winning and losing and all the physical and metaphysical benefits of being fit. But along the way, I came to see how a lot of parents struggle to create conditions where their kids would fall in love and stay in love with sports.

With that in mind, I’d like to offer ten tips for parents to help their kids get the most out of their youth sports experience. Every bit of this advice doesn’t apply to everyone, but I think there are lessons here for all families.

10 Ways to Help Kids Stay in Love with Sports

1. Prioritize fun.

It’s easier said than done. But if your child is having fun playing sports, so many good things will flow from that. A kid who is having fun will be exponentially more likely to stick with a sport, more open to practicing and training and learning the nuances of a sport. They don’t have an entry-level job that will help launch a successful career; they are just boys and girls doing something cool with their friends that will make their lives more interesting and well-rounded. Period. Never forget that fun is the most important currency.

2. It’s always better to reduce pressure than add to it.

Many kids put a fair amount of pressure on themselves, and certainly apply all sorts of peer pressure on each other. And there’s sometimes not much you can do to shield them from overzealous coaches. But there’s a lot you can do to help your kid keep things in perspective. If your child is in elementary school, there are almost zero moments in their sporting life where something existential is on the line. The big game or competition is not actually that big. And the more relaxed and centered they are, the more likely that they will perform in a good way. Think of your role as managing a thermostat—where your job is to turn down the temperature whenever you can.

3. Be realistic and low-key about their trajectory.

It is very easy—too easy—to imagine greatness when watching talented young athletes compete. But the odds of a child competing at a high level in the future are both slim and hard to forecast when they are young. When my son was in fourth grade, he was on an all-star soccer team that won a big tournament that was like the Little League World Series for the West Coast. They were a joy to watch, but not one of them is playing college ball now. It’s impossible to predict how everyone’s physical development will go or what other interests each kid will develop. To me, a better indicator of success for these kids might be to see how many of them play in adult rec leagues in their 20s and 30s—to see if we helped foster a lifelong love of the sport. So I’d urge parents to enjoy their kids in the moment without so much concern about their trajectory.

4. Don’t shout at your kid during games.

As a youth soccer coach and ref, this one drove me insane. As far as I’m concerned, the only two smart things to shout at your child during a game are “great job” and “good idea.” A key part of most team sports is learning to assess the ongoing chaos on the field of play and make smart choices, and shouting instructions or projecting angst on your kid will not make them better. And it’s annoying for everyone else at the game. Instead, do your part to make the sideline culture positive. Leave the game-time instruction to the coaches (and even then, some of them should pipe down).

The only two smart things to shout at your child during a game are “great job” and “good idea.”

5. Keep dialogue open.

The trips to and from practice and games are a magical time to connect with your kid. Talk to your child about what they like about doing sports and what they wish was different. Give them a stake in what they do. Help them problem-solve the life lessons that sports always provide—how to deal with the team bully or the disruptive player who undermines every drill or the coach who is making them play defense. Make them feel like you are in their corner more than you are a stakeholder hoping for success. In so many ways, sports can be a metaphor for how to live the rest of your life, and in this way having consistently healthy conversations about sports can be a reference point for more difficult topics.

6. Avoid projecting on your kids.

I understand how intense it can feel to watch your kid succeed or fail on the field of play. But it’s easy to get carried away. Simply put, your kid’s success or failure is not a chapter in your life story. Especially when they are young, they are not out there validating their destiny or bringing glory to the family, and anyone who thinks kids can’t perceive these things is mistaken. Over many years, this projection turns into a burden for many kids, pushing them to do something that no longer feels entirely theirs. So you are likely to be undermining your own hopes if you can’t filter yourself.

7. Be respectful to coaches, refs and opponents.

Kids pay attention to what adults do and model behavior after that. Of course refs and umps are imperfect human beings who get certain calls wrong. Of course coaches make mistakes that lose games. Of course there’s an instinct to perceive rival teams as the enemy. But whether you’re on the sideline, in the car after a game, or at the dining room table, modeling respect and compassion will help your young athlete grow into the right sort of competitor. Also, I’ll note aloud that at nearly all youth levels, refs and umps are either volunteers or low-paid saints who are working games because they love the sport—and yelling mean things at these people makes you look like a jerk with almost no exceptions.

8. Skill development is always great if you make it enjoyable.

I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I’m arguing against the work that it takes to get better at a sport. The whole endeavor is more fun and successful if an athlete can dribble or shoot with their weak hand or lay down a proper bunt or run a pattern with precision. These things take work. But that work does not need to be miserable, especially if it is being led by a parent.

When my son was younger, we had a portable soccer goal in the yard and we played this fun game for years where we’d alternate shooting and goaltending, where shots from one’s weaker foot counted double in the score. And we played H-O-R-S-E with an even mix of realistic outside shooting and silly trick shots. Again, the goal is to make practicing skills an enjoyable experience. (In my experience, youth coaches range from pure genius to completely tone-deaf in this area.)

Many parents lose sight of the fact that it’s called play for a reason.

9. Treat young kids like young kids.

As a culture, we’ve normalized this obsession with professional sports that is cool on some levels and destructive on others. Many kids are outfitted with pro-level gear, and they often feel like the stakes are quite real for pretty meaningless competitions. To be clear, the games have meaning for the kids’ development, but the outcome doesn’t mean much.

I’d say the pleasure of running around with friends and having your parents cheer for your success and eating tasty post-game snacks and having Pokémon-themed team names has real meaning that should be encouraged. Many parents lose sight of the fact that it’s called play for a reason. It’s hard to generalize, but I’d say that for kids who don’t evince actual elite talent, this approach shouldn’t change until high school (although the team names will thankfully change).

10. Keep club sports in perspective.

If you have kids playing sports, then likely you’ve already pondered or invested in this growth industry. I don’t have a problem with club sports—they can give your kid access to quality coaching and better competition. But I also think many families take the whole thing too seriously, and invest a crazy amount of time and money in the enterprise as if their kid’s future depends upon this investment.

One thing to keep in mind: Studies indicate that kids who sample a wide variety of sports develop better motor skills, have fewer injuries, and are more likely to succeed at a high level, so pushing your child to be a specialist at a young age could be counterproductive. Finally, if you go this route, I would really encourage tons of regular communication with a kid to gauge how it really is going. If a kid is constantly complaining about going to weekend tournaments because they want to hang out with their friends, think about whether you are helping or harming the odds of them playing in high school or college.